okay. so here it is. the moment.I want to purge. right now in this moment.
in fact. I just went into the bathroom to do it.
I stopped at the door jamb and placed my hand on it.
God.
if you're real. I don't wanna do this right now.
and I walked in here and sat at the computer.
it is all I know to do.
screaming. my chest is screaming.
I have tears in my eyes. I want it out.
I just wrote this morning about allowing the food.
I don't want to. It would be so easy to get rid of it. Then I could go about my life unrestrained, right?
No.
This is not true.
I know this is not true.
I have believed it. Been a slave to this belief that if I get rid of food, it doesn't count.
But it does.
Because after I purge, I have to hide.
And I don't want to hide.
tightness - tense chest - shoulders cinched up around my neck.
Pepper is calling to me from the other room.
I have to go to her now.
If I had purged, I'd still be in the bathroom.
And she'd be pounding on the door calling, "Mommy."
Thank you Grace...
Thank you keyboard.
Thank you for carrying me up and over that wave.
the picture you used for this post was hanging in an office i used to work in, at tempest reporting, so it makes me think of a storm when i see it. storms will come and you (and i) will weather them and hopefully be stronger still when they're over
ReplyDeleteYes Megan, you and I have had our fair share of storms. I was just telling the other mom at my daycare about your dad today. We have a Mr. Mom who comes in with his 2 kids everyday. He reminds me of Jeff. Surely that storm was long, and is perhaps not over...I hope it has taught you good things.
Deletesarah, i am so proud of you for sharing that experience. it is very powerful when somebody speaks out about such a secretive shameful desire. i have had this very experience, only it didnt end so well. i only hope next time i can follow your lead into the light, and not the darkness.
ReplyDeleteI hope so too Nennie. It was not easy to write this. But I have to believe that there is something better for me. I cannot keep cycling down. And somehow, I found what I needed. I didn't have to be sick. Not of my own doing...but it is of my own willingness.
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