graham crackers

Gordon Monahan: Theremin Pendulum (2008): Installation view.
My actual pendulum swing

Don't know how many graham crackers I ate yesterday.
Who cares about graham crackers?
They're not even that good.
Why would I give my sanity away for a tower of kid munchies?
They were gone in 10 minutes.
I was driving with my knee, talking on the phone, and crunching at the same time.
Reminded me of being drunk.
My timeless and wise self watching from a balcony and slowly shaking her head.
"Sarah, this is not it.  What are you doing?"

The why is irrelevant - as it so often is.
When it all comes down to it, I am still a bit afraid of food.
Not terrified.  It is not the enemy it once was.
It is like cops.  I know I am not doing anything wrong.
I know they have no reason to come after me, but I am still wary.
I still feel a spike in attention when I see one in the rear view mirror.

The center.  A place I only get to visit.

My pendulum is still swinging.
Some days I eat too little, and feel a tiny triumph.
Then I swing the other way, and eat all the graham crackers.
I wish it were not this way.
I wish my pendulum would hang perfectly still, and I could occupy the balance.
But I am human.  I am imperfect, and that is the trickiest part of recovery.

If you were to meet me, you would never peg a perfectionist.
I paint like a child with wild brush and hair hanging in face.  Mistakes are the hooks my art hangs on.  I need them. I allow them. I expect them.  All the time, trying to outsmart them.
I am rarely clean.  Yesterday I went to pick up Sophie from her friends' in bare feet.  As my skin slapped their pristine wood floor, I thought, 'Am I really a grown up?'
My kids scatter baby powder over the coffee table.  They draw pictures in it with their fingers.

Last night my husband said,
"The main thing to you is that the kids have the most amount of fun all the time."
I just smiled at him. I must be doing okay then.
Even though Lydia wants to tell me I have to be hungry and jogging all the time.
I don't believe her.

I used to think if I were recovering then my food would be forced into submission.  I would eat nothing but protein, vegetables and whole grain.  I'd drink 8 glasses of water per day.  But my recovery is about letting go of how it must be.  It is about joining the stream of life and letting it carry me to places I have yet to see.