Chips

chips.....and...

God help me stop eating chips...
does that really work?
Or is it too late already?
Do I pray before the chips?
Probably before the chips.
_______________________________________________________________
Now I get to allow the food.

C.H.I.P.S.

I get to remember that eating meals, specifically, is peaceful.
And grazing mindlessly is for cattle.
And despite what Lydia may be hissing right now, I am not, actually - a cow.

Allowing the food does not feel good.
I have had to allow loads of peanut butter to stay in my system.
I have digested thousands of calories that I did not want to.
A few years ago, I could not do this.
I had to get rid of them.
My stomach would panic-push at my waistband until I alleviated it all.
I was forced to strange toilet at a road stop after the breakfast buffet.
Once I purged in the alley behind my house at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Peanut butter cookies.
Then I scuttled back into the sheets with my husband, like a cockroach.
The next morning I hid in my coffee cup, and couldn't look him in the eye.

Already I can feel the food shrinking and Sarah growing.
Each time I say it out loud...all of it.  Sarah gets stronger and grows in substance.
I don't like how food makes me be honest.  I don't like that I can't let this go easily.
I wish I could just read enough spiritual literature so that it would become my reality.
I get it.  I do.  But...
I am a human being.  Not a book.
Not a chip.  Not a waistline.