the dentist part 2

A.M.
I am skinny this morning.
That's weird.
But I'll take it.
Cuz I have bigger things to worry about today.

Pepper's dentist appointment is in 3 hours.
The hard part is explaining to her why she can't eat or drink anything.
All senses are on alert.  Bambi's mommy ears are pricked and hearing everything.
to be continued...
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P.M.
I just spoke Pepper to sleep.
A story about a little girl who lived in a pink satin tent by the sea.
When she was tired the waves' sound would carry her back and forth...and back...and forth...and back and forth...................................................and she's asleep.
It takes much more imagination to get her to sleep this way.  But it is cheaper.
No more bottles.
They have cost us $1,000 in dental work today.  Apparently bottle rot is a real thing.

The anesthesiologist came and put a shot into Pepper's arm.  She cried out, "Mom!" went stiff.  Then went limp.  Then was gone.  Her eyes stayed open, and I felt that I held a dead child.  I told myself, 'This is normal.'  It didn't look normal though.  The life went out of her.  No more quotations from finding Nemo bubbled from her lips.  Her lips looked as if they had never spoken at all.

I sat in the waiting room and tried to read my Buddhist book.  Sometimes Buddhism is just silly.  I am attached.  Very much attached to the little girl in the other room with her mouth flayed open, unconscious and hopefully dreaming of unicorns.

They called me back and she was still out.  Still looked dead.  I had to catch my breath and tell myself again, 'This is normal.'  I wanted her to wake up and talk.  Instead she flailed her limbs around and tried to climb out of my lap with all her strength, which was a lot.  I could hardly hold onto her.  She was a 26 pound fish.  The first coherent thing she said was,
"I luuuuv juice.  MmmmMmmmmm  It soooogoooood."

When Andrew came home.  I said, "I either need to go for a run, or cry, or both."
I did both.  I felt the familiar sturdiness of my legs and the fullness of my breath.  I saw the tops of the trees and an expanse of sky.

I try to allow life to flow through me, and often it does.
Often I am the clean clear lake.
Today I know emptiness and it is good.
I'm tired.  I have done all I can do.  And I was scared, even though I knew better.