the 2 a.m. shift

up all night with Beckam.  It is 2 a.m.
He is 4 months old.
He is inconsolable.
he begs with his tiny hoarse vocal chords which he barely knows how to use yet.
He thrashes.  Roars.  But it's clear that he is a baby, and no match for whatever has infected him.

My eyes burn.
I feel bloated.
Even in my haze, I can remember that I ate "too much" today.
Which could be a total lie...who knows.
I just slathered my hands and feet with Victoria Secret lotion hoping it would help.
Now at least I smell good.
We just took a bath and I let it run until it nearly ran over the top.
Neither of us wanted the hypnosis of the faucet to end.
As long as the water is running, we can be somewhere else.

I stood and the cold rushed up around his fat legs and around his belly.
I didn't even put a diaper on him.
Just bundled him into towel and blankets and put him in the swing.
I don't hear him now.  At least he doesn't have to cry, if just for 10 minutes.
My eyes are old-lady squints.

I've had many nights like this as a mother.
Nights where I just resign myself to no rest.
These are the long lonely stretches.
The ones I get no credit for.

Thank you Chrysalis Break for helping me be less alone in the basement with my sick baby boy Beckam....for helping me remember that he is worth it.