Upon initial investigation....no change from post-baby body to a rock.
Same soft, twinkie-like center.
Imagine waking up and not evaluating body for a mystical over-night change...
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Pepper noises at 1 a.m. ugh...drag body from bed.
Beckam went to sleep at 11 p.m.
Andrew coaxed me into staying up until 11:30 to watch 30Rock.
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| the maze of weariness - painted 2009 while pregnant with Pepper |
Eyes started aching from being open too long at about 8 p.m.
Therefore head aching for 3.5 hours.
Not nearly enough rest...bordering on abusive mother territory.
So when I hear Pepper wake up, I am instantly angry.
The voice coming from my mouth is an evil hissing sound. I am trying to threaten her to sleep, and it's not working. It only makes the crying louder.
"Sh...you're going to wake up Beckam. Be quiet right now!"
I clamp my hand over her mouth. This makes her more scared. I am making it worse, I know. But I am just so tired all I want is for her to stop. Kids don't work this way. I know it. I am insane.
I yell into her tiny face,
"Go to sleep!"
Her cry is getting louder. This is not her Mom. She wants her Mom.
I wrestle her out of blankets and drag her down stairs. Throw her onto the couch and yell,
"You have to stop! Stop! I can't take this anymore! When I say go to sleep you have to go to sleep!"
She is hysterical. I am hysterical. I want to hit her. I leave her in the dark. Go into the other room and take 2 fists full of my own hair and brace them against my head. Take deep breaths and go way inside. I hear Sophie out on the couch cooing to Pepper. They are huddled together. I remember huddling up this way with my siblings when my parents would fight. Only there were 6 of us, and no one ever came back and apologized. No one said I'm sorry we scared you...everything is okay.
"I'm sorry I scared you," I whisper to Pepper, "it's okay, Pepper. It's okay Sophie."
We are all crying. I am shaking from all the leftover adrenaline.
Sophie with tears on cheeks and red eyes look up at me,
"It's okay Mom. We're just having a hard night We'll get through it."
I am amazed at her composure. Yet she is not so different from me.
We sit there until Pepper's breathing regulates. She says to me,
"MaMom, I need love uh you."
"You need love from me?"
"Yes."
"Okay Pep, I love you. Mom loves you. I'm sorry I was mean. I'm sorry I scared you."
Her eyes believe me. We settle deeper into the couch and breath all together.
"Thank you for your help Sophie. I'm sorry I scared you."
I hold her just as close as I hold Pepper. Because I know how it is to be the oldest.
i remember being huddled up with u sarah, being so scared and you telling me that its ok, even though you knew it wasent. hearing screaming in the background. hoping they wouldnt enter the safe haven we were in and start yelling and scaring us too. praying that the door wouldnt open. praying they would just stay out there. maybe telling ourselves that we would never do this to our children. i guess we are better mothers because of it. i know our children feel safe in their homes and with us now. but it has not always been the case.
ReplyDeleteas i read this and sit at your house while you go to the park. i cannot help but wonder why it is that i wage such a war on myself. that i seem so intent on destroying my body. i wish i could just stop. just turn it off. be nice to little stephanie. but i have learned from you that it doesnt work that way. one of the many things i have learned from you. as my big sister, my friend, and my guide. i love you, more than i can express.
Thank you Nennie*
ReplyDeleteWe are better people...for all of it. Experience is the greatest asset. Now we just get to learn how to forgive ourselves.