Here we go...the tally is already upon me. Consumed today:
2 cups of coffee with cream and sweet 'n' low
1/2 an apple
4 bites of kids' left over waffle
Evaluated already: belly has made no significant change into anything harder/flatter/trimmer.
Heavy sigh into waistband.
But that is not all I did.
I averted absorption of ornery husband's toxic sludge.
Got Sophie to school on time.
Dressed Beckam in grey onesie with green praying-mantis on the front.
Taking friends' son to a meeting cuz he just got kicked outta treatment.
Put away laundry that has been perched on the back of couch for 4 days....
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| Hedda Sterne |
Walking in City Creek's snow and wide space, listening to my knees tell me,
"You can't run today."
There was a time I thought I HAD to run EVERYDAY.
Now my knees have undiagnosed pain and some days I am content to walk...barely.
Music resonates, James Blunt - Goodbye my Lover.
I feel silly for the tears in my eyes, then decide to let them fall and get cold on my cheek from the wind.
There is one person I always think of when I hear this song.
He orbits so close to me in this tiny Salt Lake City, but we never pass each other.
I see a man walking the opposite direction toward me, and hope it's him.
I know it's not. But I look closely at every curly headed man I meet.
He is my longest standing love, grief and honest place. I fell into shards in his arms. He was forced to throw me away. To hope someone else would pull me from the trash and attempt the restoration he could not perform.
That is exactly what has happened, and I want him to know.
I didn't stay broken. I am very much the Sarah he wanted for me.
Just like My Antonia, I have gone away, had babies and healed.
I am pushing them right now into the March wind.
I don't drink whiskey, and rage anymore.
I don't throw up all my food anymore.
I don't spend days on the couch hoping for it to swallow me.
And I don't need him...but I still want him.
Even after nearly 7 years...I still want him.
Not as a lover. Just as my pain. He is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever...thank you Jeff Buckley.
And thank you, Adam.
that perfect mix of pain and love; so deliciously bitter.. I love how it colors things even today.
ReplyDeleteIt's a gift. A strange, sharply contrasting gift, getting to experience being driven by that kind of psychic imperative. And I'd bet you wouldn't give it up, even during the most painful retrospective.
You always had a way of putting things Sarah. I'm glad you had Adam. Thanks for the honesty.