I am a national geographic photo hiding in a grey sweatshirt.
The veins underneath my winter skin glow blue in my chest.
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When I stop nursing I can loose this last 10 pounds....
This thought flashes by me daily.
Am I honestly going to waste the next 6 MONTHS in anticipation of this happening?
Stop. Stop. Stop. No. No. No. I am training a very stupid puppy.
Each time this thought comes to me, I say Stop. No.
This is not the most important thing.
Don't waste this time. Beckam is your last baby. Don't wish it away so you can loose 10 pounds.
It's odd. I would not consider myself shallow. Yet this seems such a ridiculous obsession with the surface of myself. But it isn't.I am in competition with the whole world. And if I show weakness, it will come rushing in to shame me.
Lydia tells me I am not like everyone else, and I don't want to be, because they are weak.
But I am strong. Because I don't have needs. Not just need for food. Need for a home, or parents, or a partner, or a car, or an education, or comfort, or trust.
I learned this when my home became unsafe, and my parents became human.
Now I don't trust human. I loathe it, because it is not safe.
The only safety is to have no needs.
Then humanity - mine nor anyone else's - can affect me.
I don't believe this. My heart doesn't.
But the puppy of my mind - like I said - is not so quick to learn.
So I spend the countless hours to train it.
Because I want to see Beckam's bright face in the morning.
I want to look in the mirror at my eyes and keep them there.
I want to be free of the body scan for UPC of imperfection.
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