walking into the dark

I am skinny today.

I woke up and did the shirt-lift-stomach-check.

"Hmm...pretty good."

This makes no sense, considering I did not starve myself yesterday.

How can this be.?

I did however, go for a walk in the sun with my babies in the double jogger.

Face lifted up to the sun, I breathed deep and felt every muscle in my legs.

Even the injured knee was in sync.

I looked down at my thighs, and they certainly jiggled.

But it was the movement of strength, and I was okay with it...grateful for it.

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self portrait 2006

I spend just as much energy trying to recover as I did trying to stay small.

I often ask myself, Is this a worthwhile trade?

Then I realize, it doesn't matter.  I do not have the option to go backwards.

I can only walk forward into the dark cave where nothing is illuminated yet.

I watch other women with eating disorders and try to figure out if it is working for them.

I am still looking for reassurance that I made the right choice.

"Did I really have to give that up?

They look fine.  And they're skinnier then me."

I used to see women who had "given up" on their eating disorders, and swear I'd never let myself go like that.  I thought they just got too tired of keeping it up, so they let the weight come.

In some way, that is true.  I am tired of it.  My choice is not completely noble.  It is out of necessity and desperation.  I could not keep putting my face in the toilet and believe I was okay.

The last time I purged I was pregnant with Beckam.

My belly had barely started to show.

I told myself, "Women get morning sickness and throw up.  How is this any different?"

I did that for about 2 weeks.  I wanted to keep my weight gain "in check."

But then I was battling against my belly, against my baby, against what my body needed to do.

And I was afraid all the time.  That is the worst part...being afraid all the time.

I guess that's why I wonder if my life is really so much better.  Because I'm still afraid.  Everyday.

But at least I am walking into the dark where there is possibility.  It's not the same as walking into the light.  Walking into the light is not scary.  No courage is necessary.  It is warm and inviting.  

Not this.  This is blind everyday.  And there is no guarantee...of anything.  

It is simply the most honest thing I can do.