tiny clothes

My knee aches.  I'm never gonna be able to run myself back into a size 4.

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me - trying to make sense of it all - and getting lost.
Probably trying to avoid food at a family party

Yesterday I unpacked pre-pregnancy clothes.  I unfolded tiny tank tops and wondered,

"How did I ever fit into this?  Wonder if I will ever fit into it again?"

This was a miraculous thought.

Because it wasn't -"I must wear this again or I am too big."  or 

"I must fit into this by June 1st or everyone will know I am weak.  or

"Sarah USED to have a good body, and now look at her.  pathetic".  or

"Oh my God.  The diet starts.  Now."

I simply folded it and thought, "This doesn't fit, so I'll put it away.  Maybe I can wear it next summer.  Maybe not."

Lydia is horrified.  Now she is the one cowering in the corner.  She's not even screaming.  Just watching.  Hugging her knees.  Changes are here.  They're not coming...they are here.

I am Ewan McGregor on Trainspotting.  Choosing Life.  Even though I'm pretty sure he ends up dying, and the chances of me actually staying healthy are slim.  I won't even die a romantic death like Karen Carpenter.  No one is following me around documenting my tragedy.  It is unremarkable.  It happens all day every day.  

me - surrendering
My daughter Sophie and niece Gwen
Youngest daughter Pepper in the foreground
We are lighting a candle for people we love.

I'm not all better.  I am afraid to box up those teensy clothes, and allow that I may not wear them again.  I am always wondering when I'll be "back to normal."  I am scared to allow that my idea of normal is not healthy, and needs to change.  

My life's timeline is decided by what clothes I could fit into.  Size 4 jeans + black Volcom halter top = the 1st year I dated Andrew when I didn't need food and could stay up until 2 am on the sheer high of being next to him. Jeans hung loose on the hips.

I lived on coffee, cigarettes, cottage cheese and Maverick ice cream.  This is the ideal.

Also at that time I wore the black bikini with gold hand-gun emblem and wake-boarded every weekend.

I had hardly any breasts.  nothing to jiggle.

I also pulled more muscles and had more lower back pain then I've ever experienced.

I was scared all the time.  Scared I'd slip and gain weight and he wouldn't love me anymore.

Still, it is hard to give this up.  It equals freedom, beauty, truth and love!  If I could just not eat and play all the time...be in love all the time...have control all the time.  

Surrender comes when I realize that I cannot go backward.

I was not free then.

I was not in control.

Crash is inevitable.