bikinis

I cannot be trusted to care for a red-head.

Ironic.  Because I am a red-head.

As I was getting him ready for bed last night, there was no denying it.

Beckam's face looked like it had been dipped in pepto-bismol.

He had no idea what I had done to him.

He beamed up at his parents with wide mouth and wonderment.

"I guess the sun hat didn't quite cut it today..." I said.

We spent the whole day at the pool.

I was okay.

I don't even know what grade my body deserved.

I didn't check.

I just walked around in it.

Of course I did hold my stomach as tight as I could while I walked.

Do all women do that?

Do men?

I did evaluate other people though.

And I realize, I am not free yet.

Because I always wonder how people can be skinny and not have an eating disorder at the same time.

Really I'm just trying to figure out how to be "normal."

What do they do?  Are they "normal?  How do they do it?

This is a silly practice I have.

It's like an alcoholic watching people sip wine and wonder how they do it without eventually finishing the bottle.

I can never un-live the life I have lived.

Just like I can never truly paint like a child again, or be hypnotized by Christmas lights.

I cannot go back to the place of not knowing this eating disorder.

So instead I just put on my swimming suit and take my kids to the pool.

Don't think too much, just do.

Pepper's little ruffle-butt went all the way into the water for the first time this summer.

I lounged in shallow water and talked with my favorite Aunt Lucy.

She is my guru and among my greatest teachers.

She is 6 feet tall.  She has birthed 11 children.  She wears hundreds of precious stones around her neck and wrists.  She is imperfect and loud and quiet at the right times.  She cries easily.

She has taught me how to love.

I call her when I can't stand my husband, and she reminds me of the truth.

She says,

"In the end, the only thing we have on this God-forsaken planet is our relationships with other people."

She also says,

"You can always find a reason to disconnect from the people you love because it is too painful.  And you may be right.  But if you can be brave enough and strong enough, you can love them even when you're justified not to.  Don't be afraid Sarah, to be who you are.  Don't be afraid to forgive and to say you're sorry."

So much life happens in one day.

I drove home and Pepper passed out in her tiny bikini.

Now it is morning and she is still wearing it.