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Grace, please quiet my pacing mind and help me stay in one place.
Please bring me back every time I drift.
Help me remember that what I seek is found only on the other side of honest work.
for it is only when life slows down that I see the details
It is the details which tell the story
Grace please help me remember - I am not inventing anything.
I am merely a witness who records what she sees.
Help me honor what I see by writing it down.
Thank you for love and fear.
They keep my senses sharp and my soul singing.
Help me honor the mountain of journals which have brought me to this morning.
Grace, please sit with me while I tell my story today.
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Ok...so...now I've written this inspiring prayer...so what do I say?
My mind keeps drifting away to yard sales I might go to this morning.
I've already been on the classified ads and written down two possible addresses.
I've been awake for an hour, drank 2 cups of coffee and it is 6 a.m.
I watched the cats wrestle and relished the tiny galloping sound their paws make on the carpet.
My kids slept over at Grandma's, so I have no excuse not to sit at the computer for hours.
But I have nothing to say to myself.
In my prayer, I mention love and fear, how they wake me up.
I am experiencing the eerie numbness of an Absence of Fear.
I pray all the time for Grace to remove my fear and show me what is next.
So, now the fear is gone, and I don't know what to write about.
Even when I fight with my husband, which I did yesterday, I don't get really afraid.
I do not experience that terror of:
"What if I chose this person and it's not gonna work? What if he sucks out my freedom, my identity and my soul? What if it's only a matter of time before we hate each other?"
When I am this afraid, a song can make me cry, and the temporary nature of everything is almost more than I can accept. Apparently I need more than to simply "go slow."
I need the salt of fear.
I no longer get the impulse to jump into my mini-van, ditch the car-seats in the driveway and peel out onto the open road.
I haven't wanted to do that in years.
And this is why I create drama...because this eerie Absence of Fear is ... scary.
I don't know how to orient myself.
It's as if I am standing on an empty stage waiting for someone to direct me.
It is lurking there somewhere. I just don't see it right now. I would never assume that, at the age of 35, I have outwitted fear completely. I suppose it is time to go hunting...
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