Mistakes Allowed

"Skinny-mini" 
I've heard that twice in the past week.
"Thank you," I say. "I feel a little disoriented in my own body right now."
A friend stopped by whom I hadn't seen in about 4 months,
"Whoa!  You shrunk!  You're tiny!"
"Really? Oh.  Well I guess I'm back to my original size after having Beckam...thanks?"
On the outside, I am the same.

Yesterday I ate 4 pieces of my kids' Halloween candy.
Afterwards, I looked around the room, crickets chirping.
Without the binge cycle.  Candy is just candy.
I went back to painting rocks with Sophie.
She leaned into the table, intent on her technique of creating stars with tiny paint dots.
She picked up her rock to show me, and dropped it.  Her creation ruined.
Ten minutes later, I did the same thing.
"We both dropped our coolest rocks," She smiles and shrugs her shoulders.
Mistakes allowed.
I realize how rarely I make art with my kids.
Pepper has the biggest rock which she is slathering with red paint.
I offer her another color.
"No," she asserts.  "Just red."

I have been practicing the mantra from Women Food and God.
"Eat what your body wants."
I pause, look at the food and ask, "Does my body want this?"
About 15 minutes ago, I ate Sophie's other crepe. 
It had a sprinkling of sugar and a hint of vanilla.
I am still more inclined to eat other people's food than my own.

Now I am sitting in the same grey sweatshirt I have been wearing for the past 8 years.
Every morning I slide into it, half dreaming.
It is loose.  It always fits. 
A basket of toys is dumped at my feet.
In spite of the 44 trinkets on the floor, Beckam insists on crawling under the computer and reaching a pudgy finger out to push the Off button.
Pepper is dribbling her inner monologue all over his head like chocolate syrup.
Sophie is in the other room watching Clue for the 5th time this week.
Beckam just sneezed two rivers of snot down his face.
It is hard to listen with all this.
It is hard to know what my body wants, and she gets desperate.
Sometimes I just feed her whatever is immediate.
And that is ok too.

About 20 women are coming to my house today for a Clothing Swap.
A giant indoor yard sale descends upon my living room.
Only it's all free.
We sip coffee and sift through each other's discard items.
"Oh, you'd look so good in this!"
"Try this on, it's the perfect color for you."
We trade in Lydia's hissing for the sing-song choir of each other.
I may never have to go shopping with Lydia again.