doubt

Today I am skinny.
And it feels flat.
Lonely.
I go to Thanksgiving dinner today. 
My brain says, "Everyone will look at you and see that you are succeeding.  They will eat too much, and you won't because you don't do that.  You are separate.  Better.  More clean."
But my softer, true self just smiles with eyes like Santa Clause.
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2 hours later
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I just passed out in the shower.
I kneel down into the steam and ivory surface to pray.
I usually have to hold onto the wall after I stand up.
Everything goes black for a minute and I breath heavy and fast like a woman in labor.
I like this rush.
But today I actually fell down.
I found myself on the bathtub floor with water pittering onto my head,
"Where is Pepper? 
Where is Beckam? 
How long have I been here? 
What day is it? 
Is Andrew home?
Am I okay?"

Now I feel scared of myself.
I haven't been this thin without purging and compulsively exercising.
Now I eat whatever I want.
Days go by without exercise. 
How is this happening?
Is this my healthy self?
I was feeling so good, now I have doubt.
I don't have much time to write or think about it.
I have to go to Pre-Thanksgiving dinner.
But I didn't want to ignore it.