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| My sister and rugby brother |
This happens often. I am propelled into movement by fear.
I am afraid of sitting still too long.
I fear it will allow weight to congeal around my hips.
I fear my metabolism will kick her feet up on the couch and let shit pile up.
I hear people in recovery speak so often about fear.
They say things like,
"Faith and fear cannot exist in the same place."
"God take my fear and help me be what you want me to be."
And for a while...I held tightly to these one-liners.
I needed them.
Every area of my life was screaming, and I had to make sense out of chaos.
Now I live in the chaos, and fear is part of it.
I am a middle-aged woman who is afraid to gain weight.
I have had 3 children. I am afraid my breasts will never look good again.
Not afraid. In fact, I am certain of that one.
I am afraid of being absorbed into the crowd.
I am afraid of being someone who used to be full of life and is now dull.
I am afraid that all the good stuff has already passed, and now it is just work.
I am afraid one day Andrew will look at me and think,
"You used to be attractive. You used to be enough, and now you are not. Now you are boring."
So when I see young people posing for paparazzi pics on Facebook, I cringe.
I cringe because that used to be me.
I strutted from class to class on the U of U campus - unstoppable.
I rummaged racks at 2nd-hand stores and spent hours concocting fashion morsels - delicious.
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| summer of love, sun and wakeboarding 2006 |
I painted in a frenzy and knew I was alive. I got paint all over my hands, my clothes.
In college I found permission to be reckless. My brain fired constantly. It fired in my sleep.
And every weekend we went wakeboarding. I hurled my body through the water and air. I laid on the back of the boat in the sun with my tattooed boyfriend.
I couldn't imagine any other life. I couldn't imagine the colors would fade.
But I knew it was all temporary, so I drank even deeper.
I didn't miss a thing.
Now other people are doing that.
Not me.
Now I live in the natural colors of home life.
"It all comes down to fear of death, " my professor would say.
Any action we take is an effort to stay alive.
All compulsions, quiet or loud, are a terrified act against my temporary nature.
Yet in the quiet, I know it all temporary.
And I am at peace with this.
It is only when I try to outrun myself that I start thinking I can actually become immortal.
So while I wish I could be motivated by the pure joy of living.
I must settle for finding it on the other side of action.
Action motivated by bizarre and far-fetched fears.
But as I walked with my sister into the orange sky, it didn't matter what got me there.
I was just glad to be with her, breathing deep and legs strolling.
I was glad she got up off the couch to walk with me.
Probably motivated by similar nonsense.
Yet we still got to enjoy each other for one evening.
thank you. that made me mouth smile and my eyes get wet. i was happy just to be there with u too. and to have an awesome sis that will find new and exciting places to pick apricots. who will drive her mini van over instead of just saying, well ok that was fun! call me tomorrow or something!
ReplyDeleteglad to have a sis who, goes rock climbing with me and my kid boy, who is always down to do new fun shit with kids, who for someone reason there is never a dull moment when you r in her presence. interesting, but very true. i have learned alot from alot of different people. when i look back on who has taught me the things that have saved my life, my sanity, my son, and my precious self worth, it was you.