just checking

I've checked my Facebook 4 times today...wondering what people will think of this blog.  Who will notice.  Who will be surprised, "Sarah has an eating disorder?  She looks fine to me."  I am fine.  Mostly.
But what would I become if I could shed the whole thing?  If I didn't believe just a little bit, the things Lydia tells me?
So cliche, right?  A woman writing about her self-destructive alter-ego. Art school taught me - I will never elude the cliche.  It will always find me, and seek to trivialize my experience.  So I am walking straight into it.  I am the cliche. I will not deny her.
Mine is Lydia.  A black skeleton that calls me to hide with her in dark corners to watch other people live full lives.  Eat whole hamburgers at 10 pm in brightly lit diners and go home to sleep peacefully.  I have sat at tables with these people, the fluorescent lights burning into me, and felt my stomach grumble, and felt proud.  I have believed I am better than them.  I am more free.  Not anymore.  I am not more free.  And I am not in competition.  I am not separate, and do not seek to be.
However, what I do seek is still forming.  So I am a woman without an ideal.  I am still choosing the colors and composition.  Another thing art school taught me in immensely difficult.  Because the possibilities are infinite, so how do I know the right one?
Then my buddha, who lives in my belly, sits back and guffaws,
"There is no right one.  And you know that already!"
And he's right, but it's so hard to stay in the place where everything is funny.