Beckam woke me up at 5 a.m. this morning with his smile and red hair.
He is 3 months old, and now he lays on the floor next to me percolating baby sounds.
I am a mother of 3 children.
Sophie is a 9 year-old spit fire gymnast.
Pepper is a 2 year old poet.
My life doesn't look "disordered" anymore.
However the judgement begins with my first arrest at the mirror.
It continues all day.
Just like Aimee Liu - author of Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorder
I find lingering evidence, and it wears on me.
So I am starting this blog.
Hopefully I keep writing it.
My disordered voice makes many plans for management.
Hopefully this plan is coming from Sarah.
Hopefully she will continue to break from the chrysalis where fear makes her sleep.
And come to fly with the others.
I have known for quite some time that my biggest ammends is to myself.
But have struggled for an action to take - could this be it?
Since I have known you, I have found strength in your words. The small notes you made in the margins of the books passed on to me are powerful in their vulnerability, honesty, and hopefulness. And those are just snippets. I hope this blog is from Sarah and is healing for Sarah, but from this entry, I know it is healing for me. So thanks, my dear.
ReplyDeleteI am overwhelmed by the responses I've received today. It is scary to put this out there, cuz what if I'm always sick? Like a bonsai trained to grow twisted...
DeleteI will keep trying though, for all of us. For Pepper who is chasing my computer mouse around the desk at this very moment. But mostly for myself and all the days I have denied her.