For Andrew

Andrew,

You are still asleep and I have been up for hours.  Soon you will stroll in to the kitchen with your ankles doing their familiar pop as you come down the hall.  I will step into your chest and you will fold long arms around my torso.  I will rest my cheek on your chest breathing in your leftover sleep.  Your chin will perch on the top of my scalp.  We will pause there before we begin our work.  

Maybe the little kids will be seated on bar stools, half asleep with fluffy hair.  You will smile at them. The smile of a little boy seeing Star Wars for the first time. or Pepper's face at Disneyland when we walked into the castle.  It takes up your whole face, and I can't help but reflect it also.  It is the smile of falling in love, and I see it on you often.  

We do all this work, so we can wake up in the morning to these little ones.  And let's not forget the not-so-big older one.  She will sulk around in her teenage bath robe with a bowl of cereal in one hand and an Ipad in the other.  She will glare at you, but almost smile when you say your line,

"Soph.  Chop Chop.  It's time to go."

You drive her to school and gymnastics everyday.  This child who did not start out as yours, but has become yours.  I wonder how that drive is.  I know it is wearing a groove into both of you, making you familiar.  

When we first started dating you said to me,

"I know that having a relationship with you means having a relationship with Sophie, and I am willing to do that.  I know that being with you means having a family, and I will do that, because I want to be with you."

I can feel the same relief now as I type those words, as I did the day you said them and solidified my trust in you.  Not many men will keep their word under all circumstances.  But I knew you would, and sometimes I want to scream at you for being this way.  Because it is inconvenient, and at times I think it's unnecessary, to be so rigid in your principles.  But the truth is, our family was built on that promise you made to me 10 years ago.  You act on it everyday.   From you I have learned; love is an action.  You go to work.  You make sure every aspect of our lives is insured.  Seriously we probably have more forms of insurance than I even know about!  You mow the lawn so our kids have a beautiful space to play.  You provide us with all we need, so that I can be home with them, be in sync with them.  So that my intuition is sharp and I can anticipate their needs.  I hope I do justice to your sacrifice.  I try.. and I think of you every day.  How I wish you could be with us more, and I appreciate why you can't.  

Beckam is just like you.  He is getting so tall.  I know you will give him every tool you can, literally and figuratively.  He is his own person, so I guess you never know what will happen.  You're off to a good start though, taking him to Father-Son soccer, and having Light Saber fights in the bathroom with the lights off.  You read him books, and help him brush his teeth.  You give him compliments and make him feel proud.  I trust when it gets harder and he is older, you will hold him to a high standard.  I promise to get out of the way so you can teach him how to be like you.

Pepper is your soft spot.  Everyone can see it. In so many ways she is ridiculous.  But there is no denying she sees truth deeply, and her way of interpreting the world is magical.  Not to mention that wild hair atop her scrawny little Mowgli body.  You are wise to give her so much affection.  She craves it.  You create magic for her by taking her to shows like Disney on Ice and Cavalia.  You indulge her ridiculous fascinations in ways I never would, and that is good.  You surprised her with a trip to Disneyland.  You pay for her acting class.  You create a space for her to be creative.  Artists like us need solid people like you, to ground us and steady us.

Sophie...oh what to say about that girl.  I will never know the road you have walked with her.  I see other step parents who do not try as hard as you have tried.  I see how long it has taken her to forgive us for getting married.  I see how you have had to wait years for her to soften.  Your role with her has been so many backstage sacrifices.  Thank you for giving her more than she can realize right now.  She may not see it, but I do.  I know you two share a mutual respect, for your disciplined lives, for your hot tempers, and for your fierce love of our family.  

I know I don't always do things the way you would like.  I am trying, and you've gotta admit, I take damn good care of that BMW!  Please know that I cherish our children and I try to keep them in the forefront of my attention.  I fall short of this every single day.  But I think I've got a pretty deep understanding of who they are and who they are trying to be.  They came to us as individuals, and I believe it is our job to serve them and to teach them.  In return, they inspire us to do better.  You, my dear husband, have become a better man than I ever thought possible. There were times in the beginning when I honestly doubted.  I was afraid I had pushed you into a role that you really didn't want.  I am so grateful we stuck it out through those first hard years.  Because today, on your 8th Father's Day, I am certain you are happy being a Dad.  I know you don't want any other life.  I know that our kids have dug far deeper into your heart than you ever meant to go.  I also know we are in for it.  We've already got one teenager, who will be driving in 2 years!  Thank God.  Then we never have to drive to the GTC ever again!  

I think we are gonna be okay though.  I think we are building trust every day in our little kitchen with the warm sunlight.  Thank you Andrew.  Thank you for giving me a second chance to have a family.  Thank you for our kids.  I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.