Mine

Vincent Van Gogh

Painfully awake at 4:30 am.
My muscles certainly needed more rest.  They creak to movement down the stairs.  I have to be careful with the angle on my knees.  They could buckle at the wrong step.  I feel 33.  Maybe older.
I ate a chocolate chip cookie and washed it down with milk.
I think I did it because I could.  Pepper threw up all day yesterday.  She can't eat anything.
The cookie was good.  The milk afterwards washed out a memory of being a kid before I knew any rules about what you're supposed to eat for breakfast.
After that I watched a Youtube video of some kid dribbling a basketball while playing the guitar.
I stopped myself from making a smart-ass comment on my x-boyfriend's Facebook page.
Then I scanned the celebrity gossip website to see what everyone was wearing.
I poked around the classified ads for used rock climbing gear.

I have become so undisciplined.

When I was first in recovery, I couldn't sleep either.
The weight of my necessary overhaul would pull me from bed to squat on the porch and smoke cigarettes.
I'd watch the sun come up and ask God to be real, and to help me.
I'd write the mundane truths of my life in that moment.
I knew I was missing something, and I searched for answers in those quiet morning hours.
Now I don't know where to look.  I don't look.
Do I assume there is nothing more to learn?
Of course not.  However I am rarely propelled by a sense of urgency anymore.
I miss it.

I think this is the danger of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I mistake apathy, or sleep, or acceptance, or even fear - for serenity.
I am afraid to loose so I will accept my place and stay here.
I am afraid to care, so I will accept any outcome.
I don't see what is unacceptable because I am asleep.

I have been saying this prayer for 8 years now, and I think I need to augment it.
I need to ask to remember that life can be urgent.

synonyms for urgent:

burning*, called-for, capital, chief, clamant, clamorous, compelling, critical, crucial,crying*, demanded, demanding, driving, essential, exigent, foremost, heavy*, hurry-up,immediate, impelling, imperative, important, importunate, indispensable, insistent, instant,leading, life and death, momentous, necessary, paramount, persuasive, pressing, primary,principal, required, salient, serious,  vital, wanted,weighty

There are things worth burning for.
This whole second chapter of my life, this sober chapter, came from a desperate desire for one more chance.
I was graced with what I wanted, and in the beginning it was paramount.  It was crucial.  It was vital.
In fact, all the most precious aspects of my life are those for which I have pined.

My recovery.
My husband.
My children.
My family.
My home.
My education.
My healthy body.

Yes, I use the word "My."  Not because I assume ownership, but because I have taken stewardship of these things, and I take the priviledge seriously.
If that is true, then I need to pay attention.  The celebrity gossip, the Youtube, and the classified ads are not urgent.
The sun still rises everyday, and I still have so much to learn.

Vincent Van Gogh