hoopty truck

Driving with Sophie listening to the new Maroon 5 song on the radio.

We're on our way home from gymnastics.

She knows I like this song, so she leaves it on the station.

"And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight..."

"Mom, Why does he have to go?"

I am staring into sky turning turquoise.  She can tell something is inside me.  Her glance keeps flickering over from the passenger seat.

"Because sometimes you have to leave the people you love."

"Why?"

"It's just part of life."

We keep driving.  The hole I've just exposed is still a mass of cold blue concrete.  We pass the off-ramp to Big Cottonwood Canyon.  Her Dad and I used to live up there.  I remember coasting down the exit in his grey truck.  It smelled like desert dust and sweat.  It smelled like him.  A huge metal "cow-pusher" sat on the front.  We'd ram it against a big stump on our flight into the driveway during winter time.  It took a lot of momentum to get up our hill in the canyon snow.  Every rally was a miniature triumph.

I was pregnant with Sophie in that snow.  We had fires every night at the Cabin in the Pines.

Sometimes I cried alone in the bathroom, looking at my belly and trying to understand what was about to happen.  

"Mom, what are you thinking about."

"I'm just thinking about Dad, about how I loved him and I had to leave.  I was thinking that probably doesn't make sense to you."
"It does."

This response surprises me.  

"I loved him so much.  When we met, I could never imagine not wanting to be with him.  Then I got so sick in my heart, and I couldn't find it anymore.  I was confused and I kept trying to find the thing we used to have and I couldn't find it.  I didn't know...I just didn't know.  In a way, I guess I still don't know.  I don't know why it had to happen the way it did."

"I know, Mom.  It's okay.  I am sorry I used to be so mad at you about that.  Remember?  When I was so mad at you?"  she asks.

"You're not mad anymore?"

"No."

"I'm glad.  You were mad for a long time."

We are in the parking lot of Dick's sporting goods.  Tears squat in her thick eyelashes.

I reach over and put my arm around her gymnast shoulders.

We go inside and find her Dad a birthday present.  A swift blue cycling jacket.  

They are going to the desert this weekend.  I wish I could go with them.   I know I made my choice, and I wouldn't undo anything.  But I will always love that little threesome which started my family.