Still wishing...

I really don't want to eat lately.
I wish I had a health condition that would force me onto a liquid diet.
I had a friend once who was an alcoholic doctor.
He drank his liver into a putrid useless broken thing.
He died in the very hospital where he practiced..
He had a health condition too.

There is no set of circumstances which will eradicate this eating disorder.
I wake up with her every morning.
I want to start another blog, just so I can ignore her.
It has only been 6 months.  I've been writing this blog for 6 months, and what do I expect?
To be magically healed?  Yes...I do hope for that.

But that would be like wishing to wake up not human but an angel or a saint.
An individual who once suffered and had fear, but not today.
Today she can exist in the truth all the time.
She will never run from terrors created by the shadows of her own doubt.
She will never wish for anything.
She will look up to wish on nights' stars and want nothing from them.

No this is not me.
I still want.
I still send out feelers looking for other warm bodies.
My longing is still stirred by the right song at sunset.
And now, as the sun rises I am lacing up my running shoes.
Because I still want to be alive with blood pumping, and so, I suppose I welcome suffering.