Moment of Truth

one truth at a time

When my friend found out I was writing about bulimia, she asked,
"Won't that be hard, when you actually do purge, to write about it?"

Yes, friend it is.

I purged on Thursday.
It feels like a betrayal to all the triumphs I have posted here.
I wish I didn't have to write this post.
But I do.

I can't predict when or how purging becomes necessary.
In fact, I was just telling someone on Wednesday,
"I think it's been almost a year since I last purged."

I purged early in my pregnancy with Beckam.
I was afraid to gain pregnancy weight.
I thought I could slow the growth of myself and delicately blossom.
Instead it felt I was exploding from my waistband with gluttonous force.

"Pregnant women throw up all the time."
Right?

Now I have no excuse.
I was just tired.
Tired of trying to be good.
So I ate everything, felt sick, and needed to feel better.
And I did.  I did feel better.  It was like a cigarette after not smoking for a long time....
I think I'm supposed to say I feel so awful and I'll never do it again.
But I don't.  I don't feel much.  I know it won't solve anything. I know this from years of finding myself brushing my teeth afterwards in utter confusion at how I am here again.

The only new thing is: I don't hate myself for doing it.
I don't feel the panic I used to.
There is no frantic strategy being constructed in my brain.
I am bulimic.
I still turned on the fan in the bathroom.
I still took a shower afterwards and was grateful for the fruity fragrance of my shampoo.
I hoped it would cover up the sour smell in the bathroom before my husband came home.

This is embarrassing, and a lot of people I know will read this.
I used to think if I told people about my eating disorder they would watch me eat.
I thought I would reveal this huge thing, and I would never be comfortable with it.
Now I know, most women struggle like me.  Many of them have done just what I do.
At first it seems a great revelation.
"I can starve myself and be skinny.  I can be powerful.  I can be better then people with less control."
Then of course, I got hungry.
"I can eat whatever I want and just throw it up."
Another revelation.

Now I am trying to let go of these beliefs.
It is not easy to be rid of such stark black and whites.
No matter how much I erase, I can still see their outline.
I don't know what's going to happen now.
I hope I don't have to keep purging.
I cannot simply chant a mantra, pull myself up by my boot-straps and force on.
I need to be more gentle than that.
It is a comfort to know that I can write the truth here, whatever it may be.