Fever

I've spent the morning reading Johanna Wendell's psychology thesis on the Eating Disorder Spectrum.
She is relating this spectrum to low "psychological flexibility."
Psychological flexibility refers to one's ability to "go with the flow" without being defined by it.
It is to know their worth, independent of outside stimulus.
Easier said then done.  Good solution.  Can you bottle that, please?

Of course it is all broken down into miniscule parts and WAY too many words.
The reason I am interested is because she uses the term Eating Disorder Spectrum.
She acknowledges about 60% of the female population display ED symptoms, and that most of them are never diagnosed as clinical cases.
This population is suffering, but not enough to get real help.
They exist in a low-grade fever which sucks life from them, but never kills.
This is the population I am concerned with.
It is me.  These are my people.

Lalla Essaydi. Converging Territories #26, 2004.

We walk around believing our spouse thinks we are not good enough.
We exercise while our kids watch cartoons.
We make dinner for everyone else and don't eat.
We hide and nibble protein bars in the pantry.
We exercise when it does damage to our bodies.
We measure our waist by pinching imaginary love handles 7 times a day.
We are lured in by every new diet.  We often bite and get dragged.
We are not sick enough to get help, and not well enough to eat.

She also claims college students are especially vulnerable to this spectrum.
Because of their high aspirations and constant evaluation of performance, they are at risk.

In order to achieve, I must not deviate.  
There can be no mercy for me.  If I am gentle, I will slack and ultimately fail.
I can rest after finals.  Everyone else can do it and I have to keep up.
I can't be the one who falls behind. 
Flexibility equals mediocre, and I've worked too hard to be mediocre.

Yes, this was my brain in school.
This was my brain long before school.
It was my reaction to gaining weight and the loss of identity which came after.
It is the voice of Lydia.  (the voice of ED)
It is the hardest one to love, and the one necessary to embrace.

Lalla Essaydi. Converging Territories #30, 2005

I haven't read this woman's whole thesis yet. I am curious to know her solution.
She had better offer one.
My solution is to bring these voices out into the open.
It is to acknowledge the 60% and let them know, they are not alone.
We do not have to compete with each other.  There is no arriving at the top.
There is only the fear of falling, and the queasiness from looking down.
We perpetuate this sickness.  We generate its heat with our jealous leering at one another's bodies.

"I already know all this,"  I thought, as I read.
This is the crux.  I knew all along, but I didn't want to let go.

I am going to keep researching the concept of an Eating Disorder Spectrum.
I can't find much on it right now, but I believe it is the next step for ED recovery.


Here is the link if you want to read it:

http://digitalarchive.gsu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1084&context=psych_theses

Also, here is the artist bio for Lalla Essaydi.  I think she fits the perpetuation of female imprisonment as equal to beauty.