Fry Flow...

Two nights ago I laid awake thinking,
"I shouldn't have eaten those fries."

Then in the morning, my run was HARD.
I felt.  heavy.  slow.  guilty.
My thighs morphed to a size 16 overnight, and I watched them thunder along the treadmill.

I've been writing this blog for a year.
I guess I thought I would be better by now.
I thought if I wrote all the truth out - it would get used up and there would be no more.
Like one final purge, and then I'd be clean.

When I write it down, I see how unrealistic this is.
I didn't even know I hoped for it, but now that it hasn't happened, I can see that I did.
I wanted to get it all out.
But the thing about being human is - my needs are constant.
And I know eating disorder recovery is about making peace with my humanity.
Being gentle.
In order to recover I need to accept that:
Sometimes I wll eat French Fries.
Sometimes I will run slow.
Sometimes I will blow up at people for things that don't really matter.
Sometimes my car will be a disgusting meal cart on wheels for weeks on end.
I will not work out everyday.
I will not know how to deal with my family.
I will gain a few pounds when I eat a lot and exercise little.
I will not write every time I have something important to say.
I will forget that I utterly adore my husband.
I will not mop the floor when it's been filthy for 2 weeks.
I will not fold every load of laundry within 5 minutes of taking it out of the dryer.
I will not be the writer I think I should.
I will not be the artist, the teacher, the mother, I think I am supposed to be.

The list is never-ending.  I can't name everything.

For example:
Today I am still in my sweats and it's noon.
I need to wash my hair.
Pepper is wearing the same clothes she wore yesterday.
We are moving in 3 weeks and I haven't packed a single box yet.

But:
I cradled Beckam last night until 4 am because he was sick and throwing up.
All of his bedding is washed and bleached.
I got Sophie to school on time.
I made Pepper pink waffles.
I wrote 2 blog entries.
I wrote my husband a letter telling him why I appreciate him and left it by the coffee pot.

In order to remain clean and clear a lake must have inflow and outflow.