My 20 year old self

I stumbled upon this poem in my hotmail account
It was written in 1999.
I was 20 years old.
Funny that I read this today.
This morning I mopped the floor with my foot and a dirty dish towel and thought,
"I have surrendered so much of who I thought I had to be.  Maybe that is the gift of motherhood.  Maybe I can stop trying to maintain myself and just go all in."
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I do not practice preventative life.

I drive down the street despite bloody road-side wreckage

I eat chicken despite salmonella.

I board planes even though Buddy Holly died before his time.

I make love although I don't know whether it will be him rocking beside me on my front porch in wrinkles and near death bliss.

I sing out loud even though I get sour faces and sour notes and cracks in the perfection of my voice.

I hike the mountains.

I swim in the ocean.

I say I don't know.


I don't know if it is bad or if it is good...

But *I* guess I'll find out ---

I'll find out in mid-flight

or high speed song.

perhaps I'll feel it transparent in a thin line drawn down my bare skin

or maybe...

I'll see it lying there...

in the bottom of an empty bowl.

Empty Full Boat By Toni Littlejohn