Saturday, June 30, 2012

Moment of Truth

one truth at a time
When my friend found out I was writing about bulimia, she asked,
"Won't that be hard, when you actually do purge, to write about it?"

Yes, friend it is.

I purged on Thursday.
It feels like a betrayal to all the triumphs I have posted here.
I wish I didn't have to write this post.
But I do.

I can't predict when or how purging becomes necessary.
In fact, I was just telling someone on Wednesday,
"I think it's been almost a year since I last purged."

I purged early in my pregnancy with Beckam.
I was afraid to gain pregnancy weight.
I thought I could slow the growth of myself and delicately blossom.
Instead it felt I was exploding from my waistband with gluttonous force.

"Pregnant women throw up all the time."
Right?

Now I have no excuse.
I was just tired.
Tired of trying to be good.
So I ate everything, felt sick, and needed to feel better.
And I did.  I did feel better.  It was like a cigarette after not smoking for a long time....
I think I'm supposed to say I feel so awful and I'll never do it again.
But I don't.  I don't feel much.  I know it won't solve anything. I know this from years of finding myself brushing my teeth afterwards in utter confusion at how I am here again.

The only new thing is: I don't hate myself for doing it.
I don't feel the panic I used to.
There is no frantic strategy being constructed in my brain.
I am bulimic.
I still turned on the fan in the bathroom.
I still took a shower afterwards and was grateful for the fruity fragrance of my shampoo.
I hoped it would cover up the sour smell in the bathroom before my husband came home.

This is embarrassing, and a lot of people I know will read this.
I used to think if I told people about my eating disorder they would watch me eat.
I thought I would reveal this huge thing, and I would never be comfortable with it.
Now I know, most women struggle like me.  Many of them have done just what I do.
At first it seems a great revelation.
"I can starve myself and be skinny.  I can be powerful.  I can be better then people with less control."
Then of course, I got hungry.
"I can eat whatever I want and just throw it up."
Another revelation.

Now I am trying to let go of these beliefs.
It is not easy to be rid of such stark black and whites.
No matter how much I erase, I can still see their outline.
I don't know what's going to happen now.
I hope I don't have to keep purging.
I cannot simply chant a mantra, pull myself up by my boot-straps and force on.
I need to be more gentle than that.
It is a comfort to know that I can write the truth here, whatever it may be.







3 comments:

  1. its ok sarah, we all fuck up. its the fact that you were honest that counts. sometimes the most honest thing you can do is totally fuck shit up, then rebuild from the ground up. i love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post super powerful. You honesty inspires me every time I read your blogs. I have also been thinking and using that prayer for Ed you mentioned recently in a blog about instread of wishing away the eating disorder and the fear, instead being able to be ok and still love and function with in the fear. It's been a great addition to my morning prayer. As always thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete