summer shorts

Ugh...went shopping yesterday for summer shorts.

Now I am evaluating in a whole new way.

Things I thought were okay are unacceptable. 

Lydia has fresh ammo and she is pummeling me with it...on Mother's Day.

"How could you just go around thinking you look good?

Those shorts were Huge on the hanger, and even They didn't fit you.

No food today.  None."

Lydia is trying to place me in time out.

She is strong today.

Her intimidation is working.

I do feel scared.

It seems, upon impulse, she can save me from more suffering.

If I don't eat today, everything will be set right again tomorrow.

As I am writing this, I know it is absurd.

But it still feels true.

I have relied on this truth.  

The rut is deep and my wheels fall into it.  My mind wants it, because then decisions are not mine.

This is how tyrants are made.  

How abuse is doled out.  

Lydia does not force power from me. 

I give it to her.  

She has convinced me it is easier this way.  

This way is best.  

Because I cannot be trusted.

I am impulsive and messy.  Reckless.

I put things into my mouth that will make me fat.

She will take away that option, and make me pure.

It makes sense to fall back into these ruts.  But I do not have to stay.  As soon as I heard her hissing, I came down here, to my computer.  She will not take one more day from me.  Especially not this one. Not this day, where I get to celebrate my strength of heart, my motherhood.  My most honest work.