And only for one place."
~T.S. Eliot
Dear About-to-be-divorced Sarah,
I know you wake every morning with a sour stomach and reach immediately for your journal as your only purge.
I know you do your best with little Sophie who is only 2. It is good that you share your watercolors and brushes with her so she can spread swift fans of blue over her paper and the kitchen floor.
This counts.
I know you look at her and experience a full body shudder when you realize you'll be caring for her alone.
You won't be alone. In fact you are not alone right now, and I think you can sense that.
I want you to know, your heart's integrity will be rewarded. I know it doesn't feel like integrity. Right now you carry a guilt so concrete, it is hard to even get dressed. But that's what it is, integrity. You are beginning to learn that honesty is not always shining. Sometimes you are the lotus in the mud.
Sophie will be okay. She will grow into a poised young lady. But more importantly, so will you.
This sickness deep in your gut will be replaced with a warm rich soil where thick life will grow.
You will be surrounded by a school of bright birds which will rise you up to the sun.
And Jeff will be okay. He really will. He will become a firefighter. His 5'7" frame will rise tall in his uniform. He will run 100 mile races through the mountains on his antelope legs. He will have control of his world, and it will make sense, as he needs it to. He will not always hate you.
Sophie will never fade. She will stand on her rock with cheeks lifted to the sun. The hard muscles of a gymnast will form under her dark skin. But she will soften to you during early morning drives to school. Remember to drive her to school. It is important. She will cry when she needs to.
She will have siblings, a brother and a sister. She will not grow up without this bond as I know you worry she will. Her heart will reach for them and their roots will become entwined, immovable. She will read them books at night and snuggle with her sister. They will have the same wild hair tangled together in knowing. They will ride bikes in the driveway and make pancakes. At Christmas she will not wake up to an empty house.
She will not wonder if her Mom loves her, if her Dad loves her, or if they ever loved each other.
You can't know any of this now, and you must make the decision anyway.
This will be your Grace. You will learn to make the honest choice regardless of the outcome.
You will walk free knowing your peace is not contingent upon circumstances.
The rich soil of your gut will ground you, and the birds of your heart will make you light.
But for now, dear girl - cry...just cry.
Get all the tears out so they do not poison you later.
Love,
The self who knows.
