Mine

Vincent Van Gogh

Painfully awake at 4:30 am.
My muscles certainly needed more rest.  They creak to movement down the stairs.  I have to be careful with the angle on my knees.  They could buckle at the wrong step.  I feel 33.  Maybe older.
I ate a chocolate chip cookie and washed it down with milk.
I think I did it because I could.  Pepper threw up all day yesterday.  She can't eat anything.
The cookie was good.  The milk afterwards washed out a memory of being a kid before I knew any rules about what you're supposed to eat for breakfast.
After that I watched a Youtube video of some kid dribbling a basketball while playing the guitar.
I stopped myself from making a smart-ass comment on my x-boyfriend's Facebook page.
Then I scanned the celebrity gossip website to see what everyone was wearing.
I poked around the classified ads for used rock climbing gear.

I have become so undisciplined.

When I was first in recovery, I couldn't sleep either.
The weight of my necessary overhaul would pull me from bed to squat on the porch and smoke cigarettes.
I'd watch the sun come up and ask God to be real, and to help me.
I'd write the mundane truths of my life in that moment.
I knew I was missing something, and I searched for answers in those quiet morning hours.
Now I don't know where to look.  I don't look.
Do I assume there is nothing more to learn?
Of course not.  However I am rarely propelled by a sense of urgency anymore.
I miss it.

I think this is the danger of the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I mistake apathy, or sleep, or acceptance, or even fear - for serenity.
I am afraid to loose so I will accept my place and stay here.
I am afraid to care, so I will accept any outcome.
I don't see what is unacceptable because I am asleep.

I have been saying this prayer for 8 years now, and I think I need to augment it.
I need to ask to remember that life can be urgent.

synonyms for urgent:

burning*, called-for, capital, chief, clamant, clamorous, compelling, critical, crucial,crying*, demanded, demanding, driving, essential, exigent, foremost, heavy*, hurry-up,immediate, impelling, imperative, important, importunate, indispensable, insistent, instant,leading, life and death, momentous, necessary, paramount, persuasive, pressing, primary,principal, required, salient, serious,  vital, wanted,weighty

There are things worth burning for.
This whole second chapter of my life, this sober chapter, came from a desperate desire for one more chance.
I was graced with what I wanted, and in the beginning it was paramount.  It was crucial.  It was vital.
In fact, all the most precious aspects of my life are those for which I have pined.

My recovery.
My husband.
My children.
My family.
My home.
My education.
My healthy body.

Yes, I use the word "My."  Not because I assume ownership, but because I have taken stewardship of these things, and I take the priviledge seriously.
If that is true, then I need to pay attention.  The celebrity gossip, the Youtube, and the classified ads are not urgent.
The sun still rises everyday, and I still have so much to learn.

Vincent Van Gogh

sun-baked and solid

Climbing "The Boot" 5.10 - Potash Road

Home from Moab.  My thinking brain is rusty, and creaking to make stiff gears roll.  I have been wholy in my body for the last 4 days.  Climbing every morning at 6 a.m. and then again at 6 p.m.  We chased the shade.  We stayed dirty.  I wore the same cut-off jean shorts for days, and hair went unbrushed, swooped up into a bun.  I stuffed a duffel bag of clothes for the kids, yet Beckam lived in his diaper, and Pepper in her swimming suit.  I hardly saw Sophie at all.  She whisped in and out of the cabin like a gypsie, jingling red sand from her fingertips.

By the last day my fingers had the thickness of strong climbing.  They became my focus, and they found their place easily in the rock.  It is hard to give this up.  Everything becomes so simple in the desert.  Now I am back here where everything is diluted.  Colors are broken down into tiny shapes.  Down there it is a vast red swath of flaming rock, with blue sky above.  Two colors.  I am small against this back-drop.  I eat to climb, not so much that I can't move in the heat, but just enough.  I drink water, water, water.  My kids are filthy, but content.  We sleep in the middle of the day when it's too hot. or we swim in the pool.

Sophie, Me and Katrina - my lad

Pepper amazed me.  Until now I have considered her flimsy and easily defeated.  Instead she walked barefoot across hot rocks to the swimming pool 5 times a day.  She cried the first 2 minutes when she
floated alone in her life-vest.  Then she took right to it, like a little tadpole.
"I am a Pepper-fish, and this is my fish bowl."
She told everyone they could pet the Pepper-fish if they wanted.  She played freely with other kids twice her age.  She sputtered and beamed a smile when water was splashed in her face. She strutted her tiny butt with confidence around the pool.

Sophie looks like a different kid.  Her skin bakes hard and fast like the top layer of cheese on lasagna.  Her cheeks grow pink and she glows in the desert.  She always has.  She is fearless and strong.  People approach me and say,
"Your daughter is amazing.  She is brilliant."
She rode the river without me and tackled full-grown adults off the raft into the water.

Now back home again, I feel proud of my hearty family.
We must be doing something right.
I can't put my finger on it, but I can feel it after a long day in the dirt when my girls and I hold hands and pray together.
I can feel it because they want to sleep close in the same bed, sisters cuddled up like kittens.
I can feel it because Beckam floats easily on the cushion of people around him.
I can feel it because I want to call Andrew and tell him about our day even though he is back at home.

We are disciplined in our growth at home.  When we strike out into the world, we are strong.

6 am climbing

Beckam lounging in the shade 

Kai and I sorting gear before the sun finds us

Me laying on the ground belaying Katrina